Facts {Life with a newborn}

I figured since I am an expert at newborn parenthood after one whole month I would write this blog post with all my tips and inside-knowhow to surviving those first few weeks with a brand new baby.

KIDDING

I have no idea how to survive those first few weeks - I'm still in denial that we've got through 4 of them. One month already? I feel like I was pregnant for an eternity (my entire life) (same thing) and then yesterday I gave birth and now we have a one-month old baby because of a magical time warp.

Do you want to see what happens to a baby when you blink?

It goes from this...

{Nyaww! A tiny, floppy, wrinkly, squished-up and SO milk drunk 2.5 day old baby that can't even fit it's newborn clothes yet}

... to this:

{Practically a grown woman.}

I used to hear mum's harp on about how looking at photos of their babies makes them all weepy because they are growing up... so sad, too bad, blah blah blah.
And here I am getting teary eyed when I spy all those awful grainy phone photos from her first 2 days on earth taken in a messy hospital room when she was brand new and I didn't know anything about anything.

Fact: when you drive past the hospital where your baby was born, you will never think "Remember that car trip we took in the middle of the night when we were racing here and I was having contractions and then I screamed when they wheeled me into the foyer and the security guard made a joke about it and I was like shut up I'm giving birth followed by the most painful experience of my life and I'm SO TRAUMATISED remember that???"
Nope.
You won't think that.
You'll think, "Remember that car trip we took in the middle of the night and then how we experienced that incredible journey of birth and MY DAUGHTER CAME OUT OF MY BELLY and she was so small and red and squished up and cute remember that?????"

[first day of life]

The human brain is weird sometimes.

People will say "If giving birth hurts so much then why do people have more than one kid?"
Answer: Because MAKING HUMANS.
Ok, enough of the capitals...

Fact: Week 2 of a baby's life can be a little bit like middle school. I.E - ugly phase. Baby acne, balding on top ala male-pattern-baldness (leaving a mullet of hair at the back...), dry skin peeling off, bogeys.... the list goes on.

Fact: As the mother you literally can't see any of the above.

[And even the chronic designer in you doesn't care that your child is wearing every clashing colour and pattern at once and has an ugly hat on their head. Because the hat is warm and... hello... your baby.]

Fact: You have probably never in your entire life experienced the concern and distress you feel when your baby is upset for an unknown reason. If they are not feeding right, not acting right, not sleeping right... it's killer. If your baby is crying, you can't concentrate on anything else. Not because of the noise, but because of some maternal animal instinct that is way stronger than you ever anticipated.

[Little munchkin...]

Fact: babies feed for 2 reasons. One is to eat, and one is for comfort. Total comfort eaters. Now I know where it all began...

Result: sore boobies.

[It had to be done]

Fact: 
Luxury = when someone else is at home and you can have a shower with the door closed! Closed I said! Yay!
Not luxury = when the skin on your hands starts peeling off from all the laundry detergent and poop-washing.

Fact:
When you are not sleeping and the baby is crying and you FINALLY get them to sleep and then you creep back into bed after round 3 of settling the baby, and you think she is actually asleep this time, and you lay your head on the pillow only to hear..... your husband snoring.
Oh, the humanity.
Cue angry foot-stabbing and blanket jerking.